Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Chapter 14

This is the gist of it.
Turkey, $30. Champagne, $25. Fancy lace tablecloth, $2,000 (seriously, tablecloths are frickin' expensive). Dinner service and fine china, $2,500. Silverware, $3,000. Feeling superior to everyone in the room because you can quantify all this junk, priceless!

Or it would be if Spank Rearend could wrap his myopic mind around the concept of something being worth more than money. As it stands, he calculated his self-satisfaction this night at being somewhere in the seven figures... And was wondering when he would be receiving a check for it.

"God, I hate Thanksgiving," Rearend's mother groaned at the head of the dinner table. "It always means I have to see you people again."

"We love you too, ma," said Bill, Spank Rearend's brother who'd been long absent from this narrative.

"Rakum frakum..." Spank just muttered from his end of the expensive spread.

"What was that?"

"Please excuse Spank," Lilly said nervously. "He's... not in the best mood."

"Oh, is this about that trial tomorrow?" Spank's mother asked.

For those of you just joining us, Spank Rearend was arrested and charged with contempt of court - and some other stuff - for violating an injunction against producing more of his spankmeum alloy. That's still part of the plot and he's damn sure going to court for it.

"I'll have you know," Spank said with great self-important gravity, "I intend to make a stand tomorrow."

"Of course you will, everyone stands when the judge enters."

"No, ma. I think he means he's gonna make a scene."

"Well that's to be expected. I remember when he tried to muscle more allowance -"

"I had expenses!" snapped Spank, hotly.

"Of course you did, you were twenty-three!" his mother retorted.

Drawing himself up, trying to salvage his dignity, Spank persisted, "I happen to be doing the Right thing. I've always done the Right thing and will always do the Right thing!"

"Spank, you broke the law," Bill explained, displaying the patience of a saint. "Not just broke the law, but flagrantly and while giving material aide to a guy who's pretty much a mad bomber with a failed coal company. I understand the philosophical point that breaking the law under certain circumstances can be the right thing to do but that's hardly the case here."

Spank stared at his brother blankly, not having understood much after the word "Spank." After an awkwardly long silence, he declared, "If I do it, it's right!"

"Jesus, you're such a solipsist!"

"I'm right!" insisted Spank, his voice turning shrill. "I am not a slippery-slopery thingy! I'm right and you're all fired!"

And he ran off to sulk in the bedroom.

"Well thank God for small favors," Mother Rearend said. "Can someone pass the potatoes?"

Spank spent the rest of the evening sulking and even most of the morning, running through in his head all the brilliant things he could've said to his jerk brother... Nah, I'm not giving examples. He didn't stop this pity party when federal agents came around to collect him for his day in court.

"I knew they'd send you, Dougie," Spank said bitterly to the one agent he recognized.

"I still have that tazer, sir," the agent replied.

The agents drove him to the courthouse. Standard procedure but that didn't stop Spank from imagining they recognized his greatness and chauffeured him accordingly. Looking out the window, he saw people on the sidewalk reading papers with headlines like "Railroad Disasters!" and "Mystery Metal Leads to Record Number of Derails!"

Clearly the papers were jealous f Spank Rearend and his metal...

There was some scene with Daffy but fuck her and fuck this book. Spank's at court now.

He sat there, without any lawyers but confident in the compelling evidence of his exquisitely tailored grey suit. No one looking upon such good taste and perfect form could believe he'd done anything wrong by building and selling such awesome metal. Really, that's his reasoning!

"All rise!" called the bailiff. "The honorable Hector Ramirez presiding!"

Spank Rearend did not rise. He smirked, thinking this a bold move.

The bailiff cast a glance at the judge, as if to ask, "Want me to show this stuffed shirt who's boss?" But the judge shrugged it off. Not worth getting worked up over such a petty trial.

"Be seated," Judge Ramirez said. "The case of The People versus Spank Rearend and Rearend Metals is now in session. Mister Rearend, have been informed of the charges against you?"

"Yes I have!"

"And do you understand these charges?"

"I do not accept these charges!"

The judge cocked an eyebrow inquisitively, "Excuse me?"

"These charges are irrational as they directly constrain my own will, therefore I do not accept them!"

"Okay..." Ramirez looked at Spank Rearend sitting alone. "Has the defendant been informed of his right to council?" he asked the prosecutor.

"I have no council because I have no defense!" Spank Rearend declared boldly.

Confused, Ramirez asked, "So you're entering a plea of guilty?"

"I offer no plea! I do not recognize the authority of this court!"

Ramirez rubbed his temple. He swore he saw more of these types every week. Damn courtroom dramas making people think they could just make a scene and walk... "Has the defendant been found mentally competent to stand trial?"

"Wouldn't submit to examination, your honor," replied the prosecutor.

"I submit to no -"

Ramirez struck his gavel sharply. "Mister Rearend, whether you like it or not you're on trial. If you cannot conduct yourself civilly you can be found in contempt - again - and spend the night in jail. Now do you have a plea?"

"I can't hear you! Na na na na!" Spank chanted, sticking his fingers in his ears.

"Alright, defendant is remanded to county lockup." Ramirez struck his gavel again, "Get him out of here."

The bailiff and another officer gripped Spank at the sides. "Hey, what're you doing!? I said I don't recognize your authority and stuff! You can't do this!"

"At least this puts us ahead of schedule," Ramirez muttered as Spank was dragged from the courtroom.

And that's where this chapter ends now. See you next week! Maybe!

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